


it's snowing (but you're the most beautiful snowflake)

by honeybunseok



Category: NCT (Band), We Go Up - NCT Dream (Music Video)
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Happy ending though, Homophobia, Ice Skating, M/M, chenle is gay too, jaemin is sad, jaemin is whipped, jaemren, renjun is homophobic, renjun is in denial, renjun's eyesmile, renmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-10-06
Packaged: 2020-10-29 23:54:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20805068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeybunseok/pseuds/honeybunseok
Summary: jeno drags jaemin to go ice skatingORjaemin's first interaction with renjun is because he almost causes renjun to trip and fall.





	1. snow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow my instagram @renjunsnow ! thanks for reading :D

jaemin wakes up to snowflakes just lightly dusting the trees like icing sugar on a funnel cake. jaemin feels like a funnel cake. all warm and toasty on this Christmas morning, and all ready to huddle in his baby blue hoodie and hug his ryan plushie and binge-watch romcoms.

that is, until a giggling jeno bursts right through his door and flings his body onto jaemin’s smaller frame.

“gosh jeno, since when did you gain so much weight?” jaemin groans. jeno merely rolls off jaemin, as if he didn’t almost cause jaemin’s ribs to fracture. 

“I’ve been working out is all.” it’s quite noticeable, actually, in the way jeno’s arms are significantly more toned. jaemin makes a mental note to start following jeno to the gym. sighing, jaemin stretches out and fumbles for the remote that is dangling off the edge of his bedstand, just out of reach beyond jeno’s body, as jeno sinks further into the bed.

“uh—a little help here?” jaemin glares at jeno. of course, jeno sticks his tongue out at jaemin and wraps his arms around jaemin’s waist.

“aw jaemin darling, did you really think I came all the way here just to watch some cheesy romcoms with you? hmm?” jeno leans in a little too close and jaemin miraculously finds the strength in him to push jeno off. 

“fine. then what are we gonna do?”

jaemin witnesses a smirk spread across jeno’s face and groans inwardly. (jaemin and jeno had made a bet – if it turned out that mark did not, after all, have a crush on donghyuck, jeno would have to treat jaemin to hotpot. but if they ended up dating before Christmas, jaemin had to let jeno take him ice skating. we all know who won the bet. jaemin hates ice skating.) before jeno can even open his mouth, jaemin is already pushing him out the door.

“alright alright just get out of here so I can change.” jeno gives one last eyesmile before the door is shut in his face. 

it’s only a short walk from jaemin’s place to the skating rink just down a few streets. the old lady at the register greets jeno affectionately, and jaemin can only guess that jeno has been here often. when jaemin looks around, all he can see is little children yelling and screaming and falling down and it’s annoying him. at the same time, jaemin can’t help but imagine that he’s going to be one of them in a few minutes’ time. screaming. falling down. desperately grabbing onto the hem of jeno’s shirt to get back up and save himself from embarrassment. jeno snorting as he skates away, leaving jaemin with nothing more than a few bruises and humiliation.

jaemin is broken out of his trance when jeno effortlessly hands him a pair of ice skates. jaemin does not expect the skates to be _this_ heavy.

“how the heck do you make carrying these look so effortless?”

“I told you, I’ve been working out.” jeno’s already slipping his skates on and motions to jaemin to do the same.

jaemin rolls his eyes but complies. unsurprisingly, he struggles with tying the laces. _why are the laces so damn long?_ jeno smiles endearingly and kneels in front of jaemin, tying up the knots in a few seconds. dusting his hands off, he extends one to jaemin. jaemin, albeit unwillingly, takes it and hauls himself up. they make their way to the rink, jaemin waddling alongside jeno, already almost falling in the process. jeno grabs hold of his hand. if jaemin hadn’t already known jeno was wearing ice skates, he would’ve thought jeno was turning up to a fashion show. _how does he even walk that stably in these skates? _another mental note: practise walking in skates before going to the rink.

the first few rounds around the rink are unsteady and jaemin has fallen down for a grand total of eight times before jeno seemingly gives up and exits the rink.

“finally. can we go home now?” there is a tinge of hopefulness in jaemin’s voice. jeno looks at jaemin with incredulity.

“_what_? no! just stay right there – I’ll be back.” jeno returns dragging a brightly coloured skating aid behind him. jaemin’s eyes widen and he backs away.

“no– nope. nope. I’m not using that. not in front of everyone.” jaemin motions to the crowd. 

“come on jaems, no one’s looking! no one will notice.” true, the people at the rink are either busy falling down or helping someone up. jaemin reluctantly accepts the skating aid and returns to the rink.

“okay, but not a single word and not a single picture.” jeno only laughs in response. jaemin gives him the stink eye.

jaemin grabs on to the skating aid so hard that his nails dig into the flesh of his palm and his knuckles turn white, but manages to complete a couple of rounds without making a fool out of himself.

“you know what? I don’t even need this stupid skating aid anymore. I’m a pro now.” jaemin does not want to spend another minute being seen with the skating aid. isn’t it for kids, anyway?

“get rid of it, then!” the look of pure pride on jeno’s face is unbeatable as he skates past jaemin. though his best friend can be annoying and force him into doing things he has an aversion toward, jaemin still loves him. platonically, of course.

so jaemin does just as jeno says. he lets go of the skating aid. but by pushing it forcefully away, right to the centre of the rink. jaemin immediately regrets his choice, and his gloved hands fly to his mouth in worry – _gosh, _jaemin_, why are you so stupid? _professional (or at least more apt) skaters were swiftly skating around the rink and doing tricks and turns and what if one of them crashed–

jaemin could only yelp out an “I’m sorry” when a blonde-haired boy collides with the skating aid, losing his balance and nearly tripping over it. jaemin could only thank the heavens the boy was a skilled skater and could save himself from the impending doom of falling. after all, leave it to jaemin to know what falling felt like.

bowing profusely as he tries not to slip on the ice, a string of apologies tumbles out of jaemin’s mouth as the boy skates his way over, skating aid in hand.

“I’m so so so so sorry. so sorry. I can’t imagine what I would do if you had fallen. I’m so glad you didn’t fall. are you okay? do I need to pay for anything?” jaemin’s face is burning and he can’t bring himself to look up when the boy nears him, but a voice akin to honey resonates in his ears and he instinctively looks up. 

“stop apologising! it’s really okay. really. see, I’m not hurt at all!” jaemin’s eyes meet the boy’s, and they might just be the most beautiful ones he’d ever seen. the boy’s eyesmile – jaemin’s always been a sucker for eyesmiles. (including jeno’s, if he really had to go there.) for a moment, the bustle around jaemin slows and all jaemin can focus on is the way the boy’s eyes curve into tiny crescents and jaemin swears he sees a constellation twinkling in there. suddenly jaemin is thankful that jeno dragged him to the skating rink. thankful that he made the stupid mistake of letting go of the skating aid.

“well thank you; I don’t get that a lot,” the golden-haired boy’s smile widens further, if that was even possible. jaemin’s brows furrow in confusion before he mentally slaps himself. he always had the bad habit of talking aloud. 

“ah– I shouldn’t have said that aloud, sorry,” jaemin runs a hand nervously through his hair and feels his face radiate even more heat; he’s almost concerned all the ice will melt. jaemin almost wants to die when the boy laughs.

“I said stop apologising!” the boy hands jaemin the skating aid, then continues, “by the way, I like your hair. it matches the shade of pink on your cheeks.” jaemin certainly wants to die. awkwardness engulfs the two for a moment. jaemin racks his brain for something to say. _where’s the flirt in me when I need it? _the boy extends an arm.

“renjun.” _renjun._ jaemin thinks his name is just as pleasant as his features.

“jaemin,” he tries his best to will his sweat glands to _stop secreting sweat onto my palms, please. _the boy takes jaemin’s hand firmly. before jaemin can initiate further conversation, renjun whips his head around at the sound of his name being called. he turns back to jaemin, grimacing.

‘’sorry jaemin, my friend’s calling me. see you around?” jaemin is too caught up in the way his name rolls off renjun’s tongue to register what renjun had said. by the time he realised that renjun had said goodbye, he could only see renjun’s slim figure skating away.

jeno brakes a short distance behind jaemin.

“yah jaemin, who was that?”

“ren…jun…” a dreamy look in his eyes, he grabs onto jeno’s arm and sighs, “he’s so beautiful, jeno. so, so beautiful.” jeno cringes.

“are you okay? running a fever?” jeno brings his hand up to feel jaemin’s forehead. jaemin slaps his hand away.

“I’m _not _sick! I’m just… falling.” jaemin’s heart skips a beat at the self-affirmation of his feelings for renjun. after all, leave it to jaemin to know what falling felt like.


	2. street-bours

after that, jaemin with jeno is a common sight at the skating rink, always craning his neck to spot for any sign of renjun. and almost always, he was there. the two would exchange polite smiles and tiny waves, but the glances jaemin stole at renjun seemed to be only one-sided. nevertheless, jaemin would never stop rambling about how renjun had such a good figure and was such a nice guy – _oh my god_ jeno, he waved to me – and his hair looks so supple and soft I wonder what it would feel like to run my hand through his hair, jeno. all while jeno shook his head gently.

“jaemin, at this point, you’re just a lovesick puppy.”

jaemin blushes a deep red. “am not!”  
“are too.”  
“am not!”  
“are too. look at the way you’re literally talking about him 24/7. come on jaems, just ask him out already! I can practically see the hearts in your eyes.”  
jaemin’s eyes widen and he slaps jeno hard on his muscular arm. “_stop_ talking so loud jeno, he’s gonna hear us.”

to jaemin’s complete horror, jeno opens his mouth wide and waves his hands in the air to yell, “RENJ-”

before jeno can manage another sound, jaemin’s hands fly to the former’s mouth, effectively shutting him up. but in the process, jaemin loses his balance on the slippery ice, and arms flailing, desperately tries to grab onto anything, really. the world is spinning around him and jaemin doesn’t know where exactly jeno is anymore.

“yah jeno! help!” jaemin screeches.

a wave of relief washes over him when a pair of hands grasp his sides from behind and he immediately regains his balance. his heart still racing, jaemin runs a hand through his hair.

“seriously, jeno? you really had to wait until I almost _died_ to save me,” jaemin deadpans (or pretends to).

and then jaemin sees jeno turning around a few metres in front of him with a confused expression. and then jaemin hears a certain honey-like voice from behind.

“who’s jeno?”

when it dawns on jaemin, he whips around, eyes wide. of course. renjun. honey boy renjun. makes-my-heart-explode renjun.

“oh-”

they stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, leaving jaemin space to wonder what would happen if he leaned in just a few inches. jaemin lets his gaze fall to renjun’s lips.

a loud, familiar voice interrupts jaemin’s thoughts. “me! I’m jeno, jaemin’s best friend.”

jaemin’s eyes follow renjun’s lips as renjun’s mouth falls into the shape of an “o”. he nods.

“ah… so you’re the one who was supposed to save jaemin,” he jokes.

jeno laughs sheepishly, slinging an arm around jaemin’s shoulders while said boy’s eyes are still trained on renjun, dazed. “yeah, sorry jaemin. I’ll be there next time.” jaemin secretly wishes jeno wouldn’t, just so he could feel renjun’s steady hands on his waist again.

renjun’s eyes flick between jaemin, and jeno’s arm around the latter, an unreadable expression on his face. his eyes wander to jeno’s watch. he looks as if he’s about to say something, but instead he gasps, hand slapping his forehead. “ah right! I have to go. next time!” renjun hurriedly waves goodbye and turns around, skating to the exit of the rink.

jeno gives jaemin a pointed look, as if pushing him to make a move on renjun. something comes over jaemin and he calls out to renjun, “wait!”

renjun stops in his tracks and his eyes meet jaemin’s again. suddenly, all the drive rushes out of jaemin and he toys with the hem of his hoodie. a pause fills the air between them. jaemin lets his eyes drop to his skates.

“t-thanks. you know, for just now.”

the giggle that erupts from renjun strikes jaemin right in the heart.

“no problem, jaemin.”

_Na Jaemin_

_29th December, 2019_

_Reason for Death: Huang Renjun_

–

occasionally, renjun shows up to the rink alone. curious, jaemin asks him about it.

“don’t you have a friend you always come with?”

“oh, chenle? he usually comes with me, but he sprained his ankle the other day, so he’s just resting at home.”  
“oh. well, tell him get well soon.”

renjun smiles and the conversation ends there.

as the trio bump into each other at the rink more and more often, it soon becomes a routine every other day. most of the time, renjun rushes off somewhere at 4pm, but today, he apparently doesn’t have an “important appointment” to attend. (renjun refuses to admit where he’s going or what he’s doing, to jaemin and jeno’s frustration.)

“see you tomorrow then, renjun.”  
renjun waves them goodbye, but the trio find themselves setting foot on the same street.

“wait. where do you guys live?”  
“right down the street!”

a pause.

“no way…” jeno’s eyes meet jaemin’s and the corners of their mouths slowly turn upward.

“yep, we’re street-bours.”

renjun crinkles his nose. “_street-bours?_”

jeno chuckles. “oh, jaemin and I have always referred to people who live on the same street as ‘street-bours’.”

renjun hesitates for a millisecond, contemplating, but breaks into a grin. “that’s cute.”

jaemin swears he sees jeno blush.

jaemin doesn’t like the way renjun and jeno are becoming closer. the way renjun smiles at jeno pierces right through his withering heart. it feels like betrayal – like renjun’s Katniss, jeno’s Peeta. and he’s Gale. a love triangle, but really, it’s more like two lovers and a third wheel. it isn’t nice seeing your best friend and your crush having the time of their lives skating rounds around the rink while you’re slipping every now and then. so when renjun and jeno become practically inseparable, jaemin feels an uncomfortable sensation growing within him. it feels like a kind of hunger gnawing its way out of jaemin, wanting to swallow him whole from the inside.

jaemin gives in to it.

that day after skating, the trio take their usual walk home together. jaemin’s head hangs as renjun and jeno continue whatever seemingly humourous conversation they had been having. when jaemin kicks a pebble hard, a silence falls over the three.

“jaemin, you’re awfully quiet today.” renjun prods cautiously.

jaemin just shrugs.

“you sure you’re okay?” jeno’s eyes are filled with worry, but jaemin’s are too busy trained on the ground to notice.

“yeah. I’m fine.”

but jeno, as his best friend of eleven years, knows very well there’s something bothering jaemin. after renjun returns home and the two continue on their way, jeno finally gets the nerve to probe further.

“I said I’m_ fine_.” with that, jaemin abruptly turns and leaves a concerned jeno staring after him.

–

two days later, jaemin wakes up and groans at the thought of having to ice skate. it’s not like he’s in the mood to see renjun and jeno being all lovey-dovey anyway. rolling over in bed, he clumsily fumbles for his phone, flinching as it smacks onto the floor. somehow it’s harder to get up today, jaemin thinks. don’t know why.

jaemin’s finger hovers over the send button, but decides it’s for the better – he has to get rid of his crush on renjun before it gets further in the way of their friendship.

_9:01am_

_guys I don’t think im coming to skate today _ _yall go ahead and don’t expect me_

jaemin sighs, sinking into his bed. jaemin’s phone pings faster than expected.

_jeno_🐕, _9:02am_

_jaem, you know you can always _ _approach me if there’s something _ _wrong_

_9:02am_

_I swear it’s nothing just have fun today okay?_

it’s not nothing.

_jeno_🐕_, 9:02am_

😔 _okay_

jaemin spends the next fifteen minutes scrolling through twitter. jaemin doesn’t expect his doorbell to ring. rolling his eyes, he opens the door.

“jeno-” jaemin starts, but cuts himself short when it’s not jeno, but renjun who greets him behind the door. despite trying desperately to suppress the swell in his stomach, he can feel his heart pounding against his chest.

“jaemin, why aren’t you coming?”

“I just- don’t feel very well.” jaemin averts his eyes from renjun’s intense gaze.

“you certainly look well,” renjun retorts.

“today’s not my day, okay? I don’t feel like ice skating. just go with jeno. I’m sure you’ll have fun like always.” at that sentence, jaemin’s insides churn.

“it’s not the same without you, jaemin!” renjun’s voice raises in pitch.

“just go.” jaemin tries to remain calm.

“I thought you liked skating! how could you bail on us?” at this point, renjun is nearly shouting.  
jaemin’s fists clench and unclench, and he loses the ability to control his words. “I _never_ liked skating! I only liked you!” jaemin breathes heavily, pink dusting his cheeks.

renjun is taken aback at the sudden confession. “wh-what?”

jaemin doesn’t speak, his eyes boring holes into the door frame.

“I- I have to go.” jaemin watches as renjun whips around and walks out of his driveway, fiddling with his hands and shaking his head.

jaemin slams the door and sinks onto the floor. this was not how he wanted to offer his heart to renjun. so much for getting rid of his crush. jaemin’s phone pings again.

_renjun_🥰_, 9:29am_

_jeno I don’t think im going today too.. sorry_

jaemin’s head hurts.


	3. shelter

renjun’s mind is clouded as he lets his panicked footsteps carry his body forward, muscle memory taking over. it’s not long before he finds himself on the rooftop of his house, out of breath, muscles aching. renjun doubles over and tries to steady his breathing.

_jaemin… jaemin likes me? jaemin, a dude? why does a dude have a fucking _crush_ on me? _a tiny voice in renjun nags at him. this is wrong. a guy shouldn’t be having feelings for another guy. it’s weird. it’s not what renjun should be dealing with.

what’s he so worried about anyway? renjun isn’t gay. no, most definitely not. he’s never felt anything towards another guy. it’s always been girls. kim haneul in kindergarten. jeon yena in elementary. son jinseo in middle school. renjun is straight. absolutely, 100% straight.

renjun straightens up, leaning against the edge of the old rooftop. he scoffs at himself. bullshit. jaemin can’t really like him. jaemin can’t be gay. of course not. it must all be the usual prank jaemin probably pulls on all his friends. just a prank, nothing more. renjun feels like he can breathe again_. jaemin isn’t gay. I’m not gay. no one is gay, and that’s the way it should be. _

so renjun pushes the incident way back in his head, under everything else in his life. he doesn’t go to the skating rink for a long time.

and neither does jaemin.

jeno only cradles jaemin in his arms when jaemin shows up at his front door that day, hair in a mess and eyes wild and lost. jeno sits and listens as jaemin tells him everything, from the way renjun questioned jaemin to the way jaemin confessed and to the way renjun fled, leaving jaemin alone with only feelings of helplessness and shame. jeno lets jaemin wet his shirt with tears, pressing his lips into jaemin’s hair. they stay like that for a while.

“jeno.” it comes out as a whisper, softer than jaemin would’ve liked.

jeno hums in response, caressing jaemin’s hair.

“do you think renjun hates me now?”

jeno is afraid to answer, afraid to say his true opinion. afraid to hurt jaemin, in such a vulnerable state. so jeno lies.

“I’m sure he’s just shocked. give it a little time, hmm? he’ll come around.”

jeno feels jaemin nod against his chest. jaemin’s voice cracks when he speaks.

“I really like him, jeno.”

–

jaemin misses going to the rink, honestly. he misses renjun, misses hearing the boy laugh, misses his eyes. but jaemin doesn’t know if he can think the same of renjun anymore after he had run from his confession. it was unfair how his own heart had to suffer – not one moment passed by that jaemin missed renjun, though it had only been a month since they’d known each other. occasionally, jaemin would see renjun exit his house just down the street, glancing about furtively before going on his way. almost every day, at 4pm. jaemin knows that renjun is checking for any sign of jaemin, and cannot help the burning sensation in his chest, but now that the weather was warming up slowly but surely, jaemin knew that the skating rink would no longer be in operation soon. and jaemin hated wasting his life away at home, watching drama after drama. it all got a little mundane.

so when jaemin sees the poster – it stands out to him and he can almost see the sparkles around it like in the dramas (maybe jaemin has watched one too many dramas) – he knows it’s his calling. he tears the poster off the wall, peeling some old paint off with it.

the girl behind the counter, maybe a few months younger than jaemin, shoots up when she hears the door jingle. she beams at jaemin, eyes falling to the poster in his hand.

“I’d like to volunteer here.” those words are all it takes for the girl to giggle, grab jaemin by the wrist, and it shocks him.

“i’m yeseo. you can tell me your personal details later. first, let’s meet the animals!”

jaemin is dragged along by the girl toward the back of the animal shelter. there, she twitters on and on about the dogs, cats, rabbits, their names, their breeds, their ages. it flows into jaemin’s right ear and out the left, but he nods and pretends to understand. he’s always loved animals, anyway.

they round the corner and jaemin stops right in his tracks. his heart drops to his toes and alarms blare in his mind.

“no. no no no-” jaemin yanks his hand out of the girl’s and plasters his back to the green walls of the shelter. his chest heaves up and down rapidly. somehow, he collects himself and takes in a deep breath, eyes closed.

“who... who is that?”

the girl is confused for a moment. “oh, him?” she motions in the direction of where jaemin had just backpedalled from. jaemin nods urgently.

“he’s renjun. comes here every day at 4pm.”

jaemin wants to throw his head back and laugh. of all people, why renjun? of all places, why here? why did fate have to pick jaemin to be its sorry victim?

a cold hand on jaemin’s left shoulder. “hey… are you okay?” it brings jaemin back to his senses. jaemin shrugs her hand off, “I’m fine,” realising it was a little rude too late when her face falls.

“I think I’ll just come back tomorrow.” the girl’s eyes falter. “I promise.” jaemin runs a hand through his faded pink locks. the girl seems somewhat disappointed, but she lets jaemin run away. why is jaemin always running away?

faithful to his word, jaemin does show up the next day, 2pm in the afternoon. as the girl more than willingly leads jaemin around the shelter to continue her introduction, jaemin’s heart almost dies from beating too fast when he sees a small figure bent over a cage. _what the heck is renjun doing here? _

“yeseo… why is renjun here?”

“it’s a weekend today, you see, so… he usually comes with chenle too.”

jaemin wants to bury himself in the ground when renjun turns to look at the pair, chenle following his gaze. their eyes meet for a fleeting moment and renjun glances to yeseo’s hand around jaemin’s wrist. renjun feels a certain tightening of his chest, uncomfortable, like yeseo shouldn’t be touching jaemin. he brushes it off as jealousy. after all, yeseo’s a pretty girl; in fact, renjun has been thinking about asking her out recently. yeseo abruptly lets go of jaemin’s wrist when the two make eye contact. the strain in renjun’s chest loosens.

jaemin silently prays for the awkwardness to lift, to come up with something to ease the tension, heck, for renjun to _say something_. but all renjun does is turn back to the cage. it’s like they never even met. all those conversations never happened. jaemin can’t help but feel a little ache in his chest and he rubs uncomfortably at the spot.

“come on, jaemin.” yeseo beckons when jaemin remains rooted, eyes still trained on renjun’s back. jaemin snaps out of it and follows yeseo. _It’ll be okay._

in the small shelter, it’s inevitable that jaemin and renjun end up beside each other every now and then, wiping cages clean and refilling food bowls.

“so this is where you go every 4pm?”

renjun’s mouth opens, then closes. then opens, and by some miracle of the stars aligning, he _actually_ responds, saving jaemin from embarrassment.

“yeah.” it’s simple, but it’s enough.

jaemin falls in love a little more every second, watching renjun’s delicate hands scrub at the stains in the cage. renjun’s small, but calloused hands. probably worn out from all the volunteer work he’s done for… did yeseo say a year now? jaemin, without thinking, places his hand over the other’s. “I’ll help.”

renjun freezes and his heart rate inexplicably picks up. they make eye contact before jaemin removes his hand, averts his eyes, smiles. “don’t worry. I’ll take care of it,” he encourages.

jaemin doesn’t know how to interpret the blank stare renjun gives him. somehow, he feels scared, scared that renjun would spit nasty words in his face and never acknowledge him again. but he knew renjun wasn’t like that. couldn’t be.

jaemin’s hand had left a warm tingling sensation spreading from renjun’s hand to the tips of his ears, making him shiver ever so slightly. it’s never happened before – renjun hated skinship. and by hate, he means he’d flinch at a simple touch from someone else. jaemin’s touch felt different– it felt _nice_. it leaves renjun longing for more, and renjun doesn’t know what to do with the unfamiliar feeling, so he does what he does best. he leaves jaemin staring after him, hurt apparent in his eyes.

“is there something going on between you two?” chenle speaks up as he and renjun wash the food bowls.

“no.” renjun’s neck itches.

“you sure? isn’t he the guy from the skating rink?”

“I’m not gay, chenle.”

the bathroom goes agonisingly quiet for a few minutes.

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” chenle comments softly.

“chenle, drop it. I said I’m not gay.” renjun spits out. there’s a tiny nag somewhere in renjun, telling him he’s lying to himself.

chenle opens his mouth again, but renjun cuts him off.

“and jaemin’s not gay either. that’s _weird_.” chenle shrinks back at that, as if struck by renjun’s words. renjun looks up to set the dry bowl down, and his eyes meet jaemin’s unreadable ones. _how long has he been standing there for? _renjun turns to chenle, then back to jaemin.

“see, he’s right there. let’s ask him. what you said back then, it was a prank right? you’re not really gay?”

it hurts. jaemin fucking hurts inside. renjun’s words prick jaemin’s heart and the stitches he so carefully mended his heart with come apart with a single snip. jaemin backs away; tears prick at his eyes.

then renjun hears a whisper. it’s so soft, so small, so vulnerable. “I am, though.”

renjun’s eyes are trained on his hands as he hears heavy footsteps fade away. his heart lunges out of his grasp, reaches out for the younger, but he is quick to seize it back.

“renjun?”

renjun shakes his head.

chenle lets out a shaky breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I’m gay too.”

renjun curses inwardly. _what the fuck is happening?_ jaemin's gay for real, now chenle's gay too. renjun doesn't know what to do with the information, doesn't know what to do with himself.

"I'll just... leave you alone."

_i'm not gay. _renjun needs the extra reassurance from himself. it all becomes too real, the cold porcelain sink against his hands, his nails cutting into his skin. renjun stares at his reflection in the mirror. his eyes are red-rimmed, a tear threatens to scar renjun's cheeks. _what the fuck is happening?_


	4. somebody else

jaemin stops volunteering at the shelter, renjun learns through an overheard phonecall between yeseo and said boy. on most days, it’s just renjun, chenle and yeseo – back to how it had been before jaemin had come into their lives. somehow, it feels empty, like there’s an empty void. an absence, renjun thinks. _why?_ renjun shakes off the thought and immerses himself in his work.

it is undoubtedly awkward between renjun and chenle. greetings are curt, conversations brief and only if necessary.

“I’m still me, you know. I’m still and always have been the same person.”

renjun doesn’t respond. it’s not that he doesn’t want to – more like he doesn’t know what to say. silence hangs over them, a burden.

as he cleans up in robotic movements, renjun lets his mind wander back to when chenle and him had become friends. it had been a dark time for renjun, and chenle had felt like rays of sunlight on a winter day. chenle had reached in and saved renjun from himself. _we’ve been through a lot together._

“did you ever have feelings for me?” renjun lightly treads on the topic. a silence ensues. renjun is somewhat afraid of chenle’s reply.

“just because I’m gay and you’re a guy, it doesn’t mean I liked you.”

renjun nods, feeling a faint blush tint the tips of his ears. _can this break our friendship? should it? _renjun squeezes his eyes shut and sucks in a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.”

chenle seems to scrub harder at the cage.

“I’m sorry for hurting you. My views were wrong, and I know that now. I know words can’t make up for the mistakes I made, but I really am truly sorry.” renjun waits for a moment. “a-are we okay?”

renjun’s head snaps up at a sniffle. he wraps his arms around chenle, whispering “I’m sorry” over again. they stay like that for a while, then chenle speaks up in a small voice.

“we’re okay.”

–

“you should totally do it!” chenle gives renjun a playful shove, “just do it, idiot!”

renjun glares at chenle to be quieter, but a smile makes its way onto his face.

“fine! gosh you make me so embarrassed…” it earns him a kick from chenle.

“hey! I’m trying to help you here, you ungrateful brat!”

it’s been over a week since renjun last saw jaemin, and renjun decides to (finally) ask yeseo out, at chenle’s persistent persuasion.

just before the shelter closes for the day, renjun leans on the counter before yeseo.

“yeseo,” he starts. yeseo looks up from her phone.

“hmm?”

“would you like to, uh, go out with me?”

“on a date?” renjun sees a tinge of surprise in her eyes.

“yeah. a date.”

“I’m free tomorrow night after our shift,” yeseo suggests.

renjun breaks into a smile. “sure.”

–

yeseo places her hand on renjun’s arm as they leave the animal shelter. he flinches, unintentionally retracting his hand. renjun hears yeseo sharply suck in a breath. renjun subconsciously rubs the spot where yeseo had touched. her touch had been cold. unpleasant. unwanted. so different from jaemin’s. _why am I thinking about jaemin? _he didn’t have to worry about jaemin. even more so when he was on a date with yeseo. but renjun can’t help but wonder what jaemin is up to – if he’s doing fine, or still hurting from renjun’s harsh words. _stop it._

renjun and yeseo stroll through the park after the movie. the sun gives the sky a pink tinge. it’s a beautiful sunset. they sit at the seaside, toes dipped in shallow water.

yeseo speaks up. “you know, they say the person you imagine when you sit at the seaside and close your eyes is the one you truly have feelings for.”

renjun hums. “is that so?” he closes his eyes, tries so hard to imagine yeseo, but all he sees is jaemin, jaemin, jaemin. at the skating rink, at his house, at the shelter. everything reminds him of jaemin. renjun’s heart is racing under his hoodie, but not because the girl he’s liked for a year is resting her head on his shoulder. _stop it._

it feels like an hour passes with them talking before they rise, starting to leave the beach.

“I’ll walk you home.”

“ah– there’s really no need to.”

“don’t worry about it. you live around here, right? so do i.”

yeseo slips her hand into renjun’s, interlocking their fingers. they turn onto the main street.

jaemin sees two figures walking in front of him, holding hands. _how cute. a fresh couple. _he can tell from their awkward gait, slightly formal.

_“jaemin! are you listening?”_

jaemin comes back to his senses. “huh? oh, what were you saying?”

_“how are things going back home?”_

“just fine. all the same,” jaemin lies through his teeth into the phone pressed to his ear. “don’t worry about me, jeno.”

_“well, here in New Yo…” _jaemin tunes out jeno’s voice when the boy in front of him turns to face the girl. jaemin squints. _no. no way. please. _but it’s clear as day, from the sharp jawline to the pleasant features. and that smile. it’s renjun. jaemin stops in his tracks, hand gripping his phone so tight that his knuckles turn white.

“jeno.” jaemin whispers, cutting jeno’s rambling off.

_“what?”_

jaemin’s voice is shaking. “r-renjun’s with yeseo. they’re holding hands. i-”

_“listen to me, jaemin. he doesn’t deserve you.”_

a lump forms in jaemin’s throat; he can’t speak. a strained whimper makes its way out of his mouth.

_“I’m sorry jaemin– I have to go now. stay strong, okay?” _

the disconnect tone sounds in jaemin’s ear, louder than it should be. renjun and yeseo round the bend, and they’re gone. jaemin’s alone again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter, but thank you guys so much for kudos <3


	5. save me

jaemin staggers down the street, head pounding. he shakily fishes his phone out of his pocket and squints at the screen. it’s too bright. his head hurts even more. jaemin vaguely makes out numbers: _3:14am_. jaemin’s parents are going to kill him. 

through his drunken haze, jaemin hears someone calling out to him from across the street. he snaps his head over. probably shouldn’t have done that. jaemin feels sick.

“hey! young boy over there!”

there’s a silhouette coming towards him. jaemin can’t really see straight.

“m-me?”

jaemin feels hands on his body. not anywhere particular, just on his body. everywhere. an uneasy feeling in his stomach makes the throbbing of his head even more severe.

“get o-off me! stop!”

he doesn’t stop.

“I’m calling t-the police.” jaemin retrieves his phone from his pocket, but it’s slapped out of his hand.

“shh… don’t make a sound.” the man slips an arm around jaemin’s waist and draws a blade. jaemin tries to yell, but all that comes out is a small yelp.

jaemin screws his eyes shut. _is this how I die? drunk, on my street at 3am? _

but then jaemin feels the hands lift off his body. the blade never cuts him. jaemin knees give way and he slumps onto the ground. hands touch his trembling body again, but this time they’re gentle, warm. they make him feel safe.

“jaemin, are you okay?”

jaemin thinks the voice sounds like honey. soothing.

“god, you reek of alcohol.” the hands hoist jaemin onto his feet from behind. jaemin leans into the touch.

“w-who are you?” jaemin slurs.

he hears a sigh in response. “renjun.”

“renj-jun? the huang renjun?”

renjun gets in front of jaemin and bends over. he turns his head, eyes meeting jaemin’s dazed ones.

“get on my back.”

jaemin feigns shock, cackling. “me? on– on huang renjun’s back?”

“come on,” renjun motions with his hands. with great effort, jaemin jumps onto renjun’s back, nearly causing the latter to fall over. renjun manages to straighten up and they get on their way down the street. renjun likes the peacefulness at 3am. it’s partially why he always goes to the convenience store at 3am – just so he can take a walk down the street and enjoy the quiet. it’s a weird sort of comfort to him.

jaemin breaks the silence.

“why would the huang renjun carry me home?” jaemin rests his head on renjun’s shoulder, “I thought he hated me.” renjun can tell he’s pouting.

a pause, before renjun shrugs. “I don’t know. maybe renjun doesn’t hate jaemin.”

“r-really? then does renjun like jaemin?”

the question hangs in the air for a moment. renjun wants to say no, he really does. “I don’t know.”

“renjun d-doesn’t know anything.”

they reach jaemin’s front porch, but as renjun reaches out to press the doorbell, jaemin whines.

“what is it, jaemin?”

“don’t let p-parents…”

renjun withdraws his hand. “okay, then do you want to stay at my place?”

jaemin nods a little too enthusiastically, head bumping renjun’s.

“ow. renjun’s head is so h-hard.” jaemin giggles. renjun’s heart does a weird flop. he lets himself smile a little.

renjun dumps jaemin onto his bed. as he’s about to leave, a hand grabs onto his.

“w-where’s renjun going?” jaemin stares after renjun. renjun returns to the bedside.

“I’ll sleep on the couch tonight.”

jaemin’s grip on renjun’s hand tightens. “don’t go… please?” renjun notices how jaemin’s cheeks have a drunken pink tint. _cute._

“fine. I’ll stay. move over.” renjun slips in beside jaemin. renjun feels hot; doesn’t know if it’s jaemin’s body radiating heat or the fact that jaemin is lying so close to him.

just as sleep lures renjun in, jaemin stirs to face renjun.

“renjun? can I kiss you?”

renjun’s heart rate rockets, and he knows jaemin’s is sky high too. _can he? can he kiss me? do I want him to?_

“no.” _yes._

“but I really, really want to.” jaemin’s leaning in; renjun doesn’t stop it despite his mind telling him he should. he lets his gaze fall to jaemin’s lips, and his eyes flutter shut. their lips touch. renjun can taste alcohol. his heart blossoms in his chest. it’s something he’s never felt before, like he’s flying. over the moon. jaemin tries to deepen the kiss and– renjun’s eyes fly open.

renjun bolts out of the bed. _what am I doing? what am I doing? _renjun splashes his face with ice cold water. he finds himself leaning on the bathroom sink, heaving. _I have a girlfriend. _renjun stares at his reflection. _and... I’m not gay? _at this point, renjun doesn’t know anymore. his heart is still pounding against his chest. he traces one finger over his lips, where jaemin’s had been seconds ago. he thinks back to jaemin’s question. “_does renjun like jaemin?” does he? _

“do… do I like jaemin?” something in him tells him yes.

renjun sleeps on the couch that night.

when he wakes up the next morning, jaemin’s already gone. the pills renjun had left on the bedside table are gone, too, and the cup of water is empty. _good_, renjun thinks, _at least he took the pills._

at the animal shelter, renjun tells chenle everything.

“I don’t know if I like jaemin.”

“so you finally realised you might have feelings for him?”

renjun shoves chenle playfully.

“it’s just that– he makes my heart do weird things, and- and it feels different. he feels different. I’ve never felt this way, let alone for a _guy. _and I mean never. jaemin is… special, somehow.”

“so you have a crush on him. what’s the deal?”

renjun blushes against his will. how can chenle treat this so lightly? how can he so easily say that renjun has a crush on jaemin?

“what’s the _deal_? chenle, the deal is that firstly, I have a girlfriend, remember? second, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m...” he trails off.

“gay?” chenle suggests.

renjun nods.

“hey, look at me. it’s okay. we all have that stage where we realise. and it’s okay to be gay. for real. if you really like jaemin, then do what your heart tells you.”

_but I’ve hurt jaemin._

chenle seems to read renjun’s mind. “fix things with him; tell him how you really feel. do it for the both of you.”

renjun breaks up with yeseo. it pinches at his heart, yes, but it goes better than he had expected.

“yeseo… I’m sorry, but we have to break up.”

yeseo doesn’t seem fazed. “is it jaemin?”

renjun’s eyes widen.

“I could always tell. the tension between you and him.” yeseo smiles.

renjun gives a tight-lipped smile. “I’m sorry.”

“it’s fine. as long as you’re happy.”

renjun internally thanks yeseo, relief washing over him. _now, time to talk to jaemin. _renjun’s heart skips multiple beats at the thought. since when did jaemin make him so nervous?

renjun bumps into jaemin on their street, perfectly timed. renjun knows that jaemin returns home at 6pm on weekdays. when their eyes meet, jaemin turns abruptly, acting like he never saw renjun. but renjun runs, catches up to him.

“jaemin,” renjun pulls jaemin by the wrist to face him. they nearly collide, chest to chest. renjun’s face flushes red.

“I-” in such close proximity to jaemin, renjun suddenly is at a loss for words. he’s reminded of the night jaemin had kissed him. he wonders if jaemin remembers.

jaemin looks at renjun expectantly, then sighs. “I have to go.” jaemin takes a step around renjun.

“wait!”

jaemin turns back. he tries to calm his heart down, think about something less nerve-wrecking. _is he going to confess? _the chances are low. he doesn’t want to get his hopes up only to have them shattered along with his heart. jaemin thinks back to when he kissed renjun. _is he thinking about that, too?_

renjun’s voice brings jaemin back to reality. renjun’s voice. it’s always been sweet, but when renjun utters his next words, jaemin feels almost euphoric.

“I think I might like you.” both their hearts beat in sync, albeit rapidly.

renjun steps forward. they stand flush against each other, renjun just that much shorter than the younger.

jaemin tenderly cups renjun’s cheek, tilting his head up so that they stare into each other’s eyes. “can I kiss you?”

“yes,” renjun breathily whispers.

the world spins around the two as their lips connect. jaemin’s lips feel soft– so soft, and now that the alcohol is gone, jaemin tastes like strawberries. renjun loves strawberries. he breathes in jaemin’s scent, the same one he’s always had. it’s not perfume, but it’s _jaemin_. it’s jaemin, and since when did jaemin become all he needed?

they pull apart, hearts hammering in their chests.

“you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that for.”

renjun smiles, face burning. “do I?”

jaemin chuckles, pulling renjun in for another kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're really here huh,, it's been a wild ride


End file.
